Is it lost?

Where is my sense of self control? I ask of myself this morning as I pull up the black slacks that I have been wearing to work for the past 2 years. The feeling of bloat and despise wells inside my chest as pure outrage. I want to scream at the french fries, the pizza, the spaghetti, and of course those late night trips to the kitchen and the mini butterfinger bars. Why can't I just be thin and beautiful? I try to make up for my rather pudgy frame by dying my hair in unique and interesting shades, and ditching the glasses for contacts. Neither of those things, however, seem to make up for the desire I have to be skinny. I find myself loathing the people who are, and their innate ability to only eat ice and celery for every meal. Yuck! I loathe yet even more, those who seem to be able to eat whatever they desire, yet maintain their chic fascade.
Food is a fight for me. I love it, I hate it, I want it, I waste it.

This will be my 3rd successful go at WW in 8 years. Success for me, leads to disappointment somewhere down the line. I had lost about 40 lbs in the 7 months before my Jamaican wedding, and somehow managed to keep that off for almost an entire YEAR. Although I have only gained back about half the weight, it's enough to wreak emotional and physical havoc on my life.

My pants do not fit. I found myself pulling on my soft fuzzy yoga pants from the Gap this morning, because I cannot stand the relentless digging of the pants that are way too tight. The red marks they leave on my tummy and the sheer discomfort while sitting at my desk job, ALL DAY LONG.
I had to weigh my options heavily, if my boss catches me, I might have to submit to her scorn, which I can do without right now, I have enough of that from her.
On the other hand, I might just start to bleed internally if I wear these pants one more miserable day. I would rather endure scorn than blood.

So, I may be headed out tonight to local Goodwill to find me 1 or 2 pairs of pants that will suffice in the (hopeful) short term while I work on this 20 lbs. I am on day 2 of my 1400 cal per day diet. I am starving.

<3 K